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Jokes(4)
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| posted by kamote 1124 days ago |
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A Scottish soldier in full dress marched into a pharmacy, opened his sporran, pulled out a neatly folded cotton cloth and showed its contents to the druggist: a condom, with a number of patches.
He asked the druggist, "How much to repair it?"
"Six pence," said the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence."
The Scot folded it back into the cotton bandana, placed it in his sporran, marched out of the pharmacy.
From outside, the druggist heard a great shout, and then an even greater shout. The Scot reentered the pharmacy.
"The regiment has voted," he said, "and we'll have a new one!"
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1124 days ago |
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Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody!!!!
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1116 days ago |
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A man lost his wife and went to the police. The policeman asked, "What are her characteristics?" "What do you mean, 'characteristics?'" The policeman said, "You know: Is her hair blonde? Her eyes blue? Her breasts big, etc.?" The man said, "That one's good! I'll take her!"
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1111 days ago |
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Man walks into a shrink's office wearing nothing but cellophane underwear.
Shrink: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| Junior Member |
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| Hong Kong |
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| posted by beer guy 1111 days ago |
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kamote, second joke is priceless........
The above comments are personal and meant for comedic purposes only and in no way reflect the thoughts, ideas or other general lunacy of HKExpats Limited.
third world city with a third world mentality
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| posted by kamote 1109 days ago (edited 1109 days ago) |
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A blonde brought her car into the dealership to request "a new 710." The parts clerk asked, "A 710? What's a 710?"
She replied, "You know, that little thingie in the middle of the engine. I lost mine and want a new one."
"A new what?"
"I don't know, but it's always been there."
He walked her over to another car with its hood up. "So, do you see a 710 on this car?"
The blonde huffed indignantly, pointed, and said, "Of course. Right there!"
710
(note: please turn your display upside down)
[V]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| Junior Member |
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| Thailand |
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| posted by life 1108 days ago |
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Blonde Year In Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone
button.
I'm bored, I'm pi*sy, and, I have no shame.
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| Regular Member |
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| posted by kamote 1107 days ago |
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UNIQUE MARRIAGE COUNSELING
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
[;)]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1104 days ago |
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A Sweet Revenge
It’s a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She’s wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He’s wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your be*v*r." he says.
This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy,
and now he’s doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.
Then the husband grabs his wife,
rips open the door to the cage,
flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you’ve got a f***ing headache." [:0][;^)][}:)]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1098 days ago |
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A Wish
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
[88][88][88]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1096 days ago |
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MARRIAGE ADVICE BY KIDS
(As answered by elementary school students)
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
What is the Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10
[V][V][V]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1095 days ago |
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A country preacher had a teenage son who was approaching the age when he should begin thinking about choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't know what he wanted to do with his life and he wasn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while he was at school, his father decided to run an experiment. On his son's desk he placed three objects: a Bible, a ten dollar bill, and a bottle of whiskey.
The old preacher figured that if his son picks up the Bible, he'd be a preacher. What a blessing that would be! If he picks up the ten dollar bill, he'd be a businessman. That would be okay. But if he picks up the bottle, he'd be a no-good drunkard. Lord, what a shame that would be.
Soon he heard his son enter the house and head straight for his room. As he dumped his books on the bed, he spotted the objects on the table.
Curious, he looked around and didn't see his father hiding behind the door. He then placed the Bible under his arm, stuffed the ten dollar bill in his pocket, and took a long swig out of the whisky.
"Lord, have mercy!" the old man thought. "He's gonna be a politician!"
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| Regular Member |
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| posted by kamote 1094 days ago |
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A hunter killed a deer, brought it home, cleaned it, prepared it, and served it to his family for dinner.
He knew his kids wouldn't eat it if they knew what it was, so when they asked, he refused to tell them. At dinner that night, everyone tasted it gingerly and looked at each other.
Finally, his daughter begged, "Come on, Dad, tell us: what is this?" Her dad relented. "Oh, okay. Here's a hint. It's what Mommy sometimes calls me."
She screamed at her brother, "Don't eat it, Jimmy! It's an a$shole!"
[:u]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| posted by kamote 1094 days ago |
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Dear Diary
Monday: What a wonderful cruise this will be. I was honored tonight when the Captain invited me to dine at his table.
Tuesday: Today I got to spend the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He explained everything.
Diary, did you know that there are 1,262 passengers on this ship and he's responsible for everyone's comfort and safety. He is so charming. He invited me to dine at his table again tonight.
Wednesday: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and invited me to have dinner in his cabin. It's very cozy. We shared several great bottles of wine, too. While he made some amorous proposals, I stood firm.
Thursday: Went to the ship's casino and won about $80. Tonight, more wine and intimacy. The Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his requests.
Friday: Diary, last night I saved 1,262 lives... twice!
[^][^]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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| Regular Member |
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| 3477 Posts |
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| Regular Member |
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| posted by kamote 1083 days ago |
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Some useless facts
1. The average human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap.
2. A moth has no stomach.
3. A rat can fall from a five story building without injury.
4. 99% of people cannot lick their elbow.
5. In Cleveland, Ohio it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
6. A shrimp's heart is in its head.
7. By recycling just one glass bottle, the amount of energy that is being saved is enough to light a 100 watt bulb for four hours.
8. More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
9. Cats cannot taste sweet things.
10. For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.
and you cannot...!!! so stop trying to lick your elbow!!! [(#)]
The place to be happy is HERE and the time to be happy is NOW.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
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