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TOMMY COOPER JOKES, JUST LIKE THAT!!!
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[ New Topic]
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| Junior Member |
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| 1596 Posts |
| SEOUL |
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| posted by crusty 116 days ago |
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1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because
he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night
Rehab is for quiters
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| Senior Member |
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| 10053 Posts |
| Mighty Meaty |
| in |
| Hong Kong |
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| posted by Mr Benn 116 days ago |
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101 Ways To Annoy People.............
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sensual massage.'
3. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of 'Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip...'
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a 'robot' voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will 'swipe your nosebag'.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle constantly.
13. Leave your indicators on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog 'Dog.' 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions 'to keep them tuned up.'
16. Reply to everything someone says with 'that's what YOU think.'
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your 'astronaut training.'
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for 'violating your airspace'.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a 'f*cking awesome!!'
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Dettol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and 'cc:' them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a 'spider person.'
26. Finish all your sentences with the words 'in accordance with the prophesy.'
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and 'accidentally' flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Kenneth Williams type voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way.'
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 0800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Re-cycle old jokes and copy & paste as much sh*te as you can! 
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a 'croaking' noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of 'Sweating to the Oldies' over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your trousers backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with 'ooh la la!'
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase. (especially HKxp members!)
54. dont use any punctuation either (ditto!)
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write 'X - BURIED TREASURE' in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, its gone now.'
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as 'Conquistador.'
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing 'Jingle Bells, Batman smells' until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says 'Magnificent One.'
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce 'no, wait, I messed it up,' and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off 'in case the big one comes'.
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as 'Feliz Navidad', the Archies 'Sugar' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to 'AaJohn Aaaaasmith' for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your 'superior mental processing.'
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant 'swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!'
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your 'imaginary friend.'
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about 'psychological profiles.'
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a 'magic picture.'
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate 'crop circles' in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend 'tricorder,' and 'scan' people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
What the f*ck have you done lately?
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