|
|
Some very funny surreal Euro 2008 footie stuff....
|
[ New Topic]
|
|
|
| Senior Member |
 |
| 11612 Posts |
| Retrosexualising |
| in |
| Hong Kong |
|
| posted by Beer Boy 82 days ago |
  |
....from Football365.com, where they are running a series of virtual articles as if England were there in the Alps instead of Russia.
This is the 4th or 5th one... and the most surreal so far!
quote:
TODAY'S ENGLAND NEWS
The players did not train today, recuperating after the 3-3 draw with Greece. Joe Cole played crazy golf, David Beckham bought a shoe shop and David James gave a short lecture on the history of the Venetian Blind at the University of Salzburg.
Paul Robinson was reported to be in 'good spirits' after his distressing collapse during yesterday's draw. Team England medical staff reported that he had forced down a bit of veal in sherbet and was on the mend.
The entire squad, with the exception of David James (meditating), Gary Neville (making banners), Owen Hargreaves (wedgied) and Garry Barry (colouring in Liverpool annual) later went out for what skipper John Terry described as "a well-earned drink-up" in Vienna.
At the time of writing, the team have not returned to the hotel, but nobody seemed especially bothered.
STEVE McCLAREN'S DIARY
You wonder what's the point of carrying on sometimes. I asked John Terry what time they'd be back and he just shrugged and whispered something to Rio. They both laughed and started lighting 50 pound notes and sticking them in my ears.
But I tell you what, I'm not beaten yet. Not by a long chalk. Not now my head is no longer on fire. I've got big plans for Mr Terry and company.
You remember John Major and his list of b***ards? That was NOTHING.
BIG SAM AND REIDY - ON THE DRINK
Frauliebe Ffisten Bar, Kinkestrasse, Somewhere In Northern Europe
Roving reporter Big Sam Allardyce spreads his wings, and Reidy soon regrets the decision
So we drove to this bar in Swisterland, or it might have been Denmark, I dunno, Reidy was at the wheel and I thought I'd have 40 winks in the back seat. I woke up a day or so later outside a pub, had a quick p***, we got out of the car and went in.
I've ordered the usual - bucket of unleaded for Reidy (he's had to give up the Four Star on doctor's orders) and a white wine spritzer with a saveloy inside for yours truly.
We were sat down with a pad and a pen working out what I was going to say in my interview for the Blackburn job, but Reidy's suggestions weren't all that coherent. I checked with OPTA and he now apparently only uses recognisable English 23 per cent of the time.
Anyway, as my eyes became accustomed to the gloom, I noticed that a lot of people were staring at us. I told Reidy to check he'd got his trousers on, as that has explained some odd looks in the past, but they were there, proudly fastened with a kettle flex and everything.
Looks like we were the only two fellers in the place, the rest was all lasses. I thought "Giddy up Samuel, this could be interesting". I was just looking at this girl with short hair and boots and thinking how much she reminded me of Kevin Nolan when I noticed Reidy was lying on the floor bleeding.
When you've known Reidy as long I have, nothing really surprises you, I assumed he was either having a kip or doing something witty in Scouse.
"You must leave now," said one woman, who looked liked she could be a right useful centre-half. "And if your friend speaks to me like this again, there's plenty more where that came from."
I finished the saveloy in a hurry, signed the woman on a Bosman and dragged Reidy out by the foot.
All in all, I'd give the place a six out of ten.
SPECIAL K: KEVIN KEEGAN'S TACTICAL MASTERCLASS
What disappointed me about England's performance against Greece was that we didn't play with any passion. I'm not disappointed, you know, I'm just disappointed.
Y'know a kid like Defoe, people say he's too small, but there's no such thing as being too small, only not being tall enough and that's what I'd say to Jermain to make him literally much bigger.
I'm a great admirer of Joe Cole, he's the sort of lad that, if football didn't exist, he'd be a frustrated footballer. He'd play football even if he wasn't a footballer - he enjoys it that much. He's the sort of lad that can grab the ball by the horns and always find his way to the goal y'know, and he doesn't even need a map. He doesn't have to think, his legs just take him there.
It's hard to work out where it went wrong for them against Greece without actually having the answers y'know, but I think England can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel now and that will be a great relief off their shoulders.
That point was only one point but it was a big one point and counts for a lot more than one point in a way, probably more, if you like, than the three points they have to get against Sweden and those are three massive points, the biggest points the lads will have ever seen and they've seen a lot of points in their time.
We shouldn't be counting our chickens before they've swum the river but if it's a case of don't ask for whom the bell tolls, we've got to hope it tolls for Sweden and not us, unless we're the ones ringing our own bells of course, yeah, then if you like, it won't matter because we've got hold of our own bells and if we do that no one can beat us.
I am aspiring to be just OK!
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Senior Member |
|
| 11612 Posts |
| Retrosexualising |
| in |
| Hong Kong |
|
| posted by Beer Boy 81 days ago |
|
today's instalment...it gets madder
quote:
TODAY'S ENGLAND NEWS
There were shocking, sensational developments in the England camp overnight as rumours swept Austria that the England squad had totally disappeared.
The majority of the squad left their hotel for a night out after the 3-3 draw with Greece and have not been seen since by anyone. They seem to have vanished. All mobile phones seem turned off. Only four of the squad remain present.
On Monday afternoon, a battered and bruised Brian Barwick held an impromptu press conference from inside a local butcher's shop, where he had been buying offal and topping up his trusty jug of goose fat
He confirmed no one at the FA had a clue as to the whereabouts of the players and that he had sent Trevor Brooking out in the FA limo to find them. Brooking returned later saying, "Welllllll. I've not got a scooby where they are chief. Or on the other hand, perhaps I do. No, I definitely don't."
Barwick added, "I'm very worried because by now, they would normally have wrecked a bar, a woman and at least one team-mate. It's very out of character for them to just disappear - except when they're on the pitch, of course."
By 8pm the police were called and a full sweep on Austrian bars and brothels was conducted. By midnight, under pressure to keep a hysterical media informed of developments, Adrian Bevington did a round of interviews confirming the players had not been found and neither had any of the army of WAGs. "I think it's fair to say they're in what we would prefer to call non-appearance mode," said the master of corporate-speak.
Tuesday morning, the FA issued a statement saying they had applied to UEFA for special dispensation to bring in replacement players for the Sweden game on Wednesday if the current squad did not reappear.
After a trip around Vienna's cash points with the FA's debit card, Barwick was dispatched to UEFA headquarters for top level discussions to resolve this unprecedented crisis.
David Cameron was quick to appear in front of the cameras, saying that if their disappearance was a bad thing it was all Gordon Brown's fault and another symbol of 'Broken Britain', but if it was a good thing it was all down to his progressive leadership and that Radiohead would write a song for him about it just like Paul Weller did with Eton Rifles.
The media has gone into overdrive. Sky is running a 24 hour rolling programme called 'Where Are They?' It features Jeff Stelling asking people on the streets of Rickmansworth: "where are they?"
With hysteria mounting, Sky News is speculating that the England players' disappearance may have something to do with Maddie McCann. However, their theory of a 'Weiner Schnitzel Seven' was discredited when it turned out that the 'kidnap expert' who had been advancing the theory for seven hours live on air turned out to be a man who delivered sandwiches to the Sky offices.
The Daily Express front page asks: "Did Ted Beckham kill England squad?"
ITV runs a two hour programme supporting claims from UFO spotters that a mothership had landed in Austria on Sunday night to take the players away to another planet to protect the Earth and they had a blurred picture of something that looked like a cow in a field to prove it.
The BBC dedicates the whole of the 6pm news to reports that Jermaine Defoe had been photographed swimming in the Danube. However, Bill Oddie resolved the issue by saying that although it was a small brown mammal, it was almost certainly a water vole.
Meanwhile in a three-hour interactive special on Channel 4, a group of school children reported seeing Paul Robinson running naked through the streets of Vienna. Jon Snow was dispatched to investigate but quickly identified the animal as a pig that had escaped from a nearby slaughterhouse.
In another shock development, Roman Abramovich arrived in Innsbruck in a gold helicopter. Clearly distraught, the normally silent billionaire was seen stroking a fluffy white cat and screaming, "Where is my super groovy iron child JT? Super Sex-boy Ash - please come home to Romey. Where is my c**kneysweepchappie Joey the Coley, Beautiful Lampsy! Lampsy baby! My heart it is breaking!"
"The Earth will feel my wrath if my boys are not returned to me," he added.
At the time of writing, we are awaiting the news from UEFA as England's Euro 2008 Campaign is thrown into chaos. More news as we have it...
STEVE McCLAREN'S DIARY
I had a lovely calm, quiet day in the hotel with David, Owen, Gary and Gareth. We did a spot of yoga and Pilates. Then we discussed our favourite Virginia Woolf novel, considered the effect of Marxist thinking on the development of football in the early 20th century, and over nice glass of Chardonnay we all agreed Paul Klee is our favourite Abstract Expressionist painter, though Gareth did make a very convincing case for Mark Rothko and Gary agreed saying he thought the effect of Nietzsche on his work was profound. Then over supper, we smoked pipes and drank a vintage Margaux while I read to the boys from Ulysses.
Gary has agreed to end his strike in this time of crisis though he'll continue to live in his tent and sleep on a bed of nails. He's a man of great integrity. And he has guns.
Brian dropped by before heading off to UEFA and said everything was going fine and not to worry. I gave him the list of English players that he'd asked for.
How do you like me now big JT?
BREAKING NEWS...
Brian Barwick has just emerged from an extraordinary meeting in Nyon, Switzerland at UEFA headquarters and confirmed that due to England's extraordinary circumstances, to protect the integrity of the competition and in return for a large amount of cash, the FA will be allowed to bring in a new squad of players in the next 24 hours.
He denied insider reports that he was seen sitting on Michel Platini's face in order to bully the Frenchman into agreeing.
"I've have never sat on any Frenchman's face," claimed the cheerful Scouser. "Apart from once in the charity wrestling match I had with David Ginola."
"We have a busy few hours ahead of us" said Barwick, sipping from his trademark jug of goose fat. "Most English players are on holiday all over the world, so we'll just have to see who is available. I'm sure we will rise to the occasion. When an Englishman's back is against the wall, he turns around and fights."
The original squad is still missing.
I am aspiring to be just OK!
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Senior Member |
|
| 11419 Posts |
| Tagalogged |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Senior Member |
|
| 11612 Posts |
| Retrosexualising |
| in |
| Hong Kong |
|
| posted by Beer Boy 81 days ago |
|
ha ha ha
I am aspiring to be just OK!
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Junior Member |
|
| 954 Posts |
| waiting for summer |
| in |
| Norway |
|
| posted by jesswill 81 days ago |
|
Hey CAG don't knock the cut and paste, it saves me from following a link to a website that would probably be banned in my office for stupid reasons (dictionary.com is banned for pornography...)
BB I did find all this amusing, thank you. I particularly liked the sentence "When an Englishman's back is against the wall, he turns around and fights" 
up to not much
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Senior Member |
|
| 11612 Posts |
| Retrosexualising |
| in |
| Hong Kong |
|
| posted by Beer Boy 80 days ago |
|
here's today's total lunacy....
quote:
TODAY'S ENGLAND NEWS
With England having received an 11th hour Euro 2008 reprieve after UEFA ruled they WILL be allowed to call up replacements for their missing squad members, there was a frantic few hours of phone calls placed to English players to try to put together a team of replacements.
Unfortunately, Brian Barwick, Steve McClaren and Trevor Brooking got a largely negative response to their requests with many saying, "I'm not playing for that money", "F**k off, I'm on top of the wife's sister" and "My agent says I'll look bad if I play for England," while others just put on voices and pretended to be someone else.
But eventually, a squad of players keen to represent their country was hastily assembled.
The world's media awaited their arrival at Vienna International Airport, keen to see who would step off the plane. There were gasps of amazement when, dressed neatly in suits and ties, they disembarked.
Of England's original 22, only Gareth Barry, Gary Neville, David James and Owen Hargreaves are still at the team headquarters in Innsbruck ahead of tonight's must-win game against Sweden.
There's still no sign of the other 18 players who disappeared after going on what the FA's Head of Communications, Media Studies And Topiary, Adrian Bevington now calls 'an inter-personal, bonding tour' of local brothels following the 3-3 draw with Greece.
Manager Steve McClaren has relaxed visibly since the players went missing and appeared in good spirits as he announced the squad, wearing a t-shirt bearing the words 'I'm The Daddy Now'.
"We've gone for a bit of a different flavour, a blend of youth and experience, and players who don't try and physically abuse me," he said.
"But the overriding thing that all these replacements have in common is that they are not all total and utter c****."
Adrian Bevington added: "This non-c**** selection policy is a radical one for England, no doubt, and going forward, we hope the nation will now get behind the team rather than just wanting to kick their arrogant, overpaid, underperforming, roasting, merking, weeping, lazy, yellow-bellied heads in."
FA boss Brian Barwick told the media that he had managed to persuade UEFA to take the unprecedented step through a mixture of 'diplomacy, threats and sheer physical bulk'.
"This new squad is full of hungry players," he said. "And I like that in a player. I also like it in a pig. Ideally I'd like a player wrapped in a pig, like a pig in a blanket, but with a player, not a blanket.
"Although I would eat a blanket if the situation demanded it," he confirmed.
And with that the replacement players were introduced, led in by Fulham's Jimmy Bullard, who has been handed the captain's armband because of his inspirational qualities, after Gary Neville turned it down on the basis it was 'a fundamentally elitist concept'.
Bullard was clearly amazed to be there.
"I'm amazed to be here," he said, adding, "but it's an absolute honour and privilege."
The 39-year-old Dean Windass was equally stunned.
"I'm equally stunned," he said.
Under intensive questioning from a cynical press pack, seemingly keen to destroy the hope, pride and self-belief of the players, and upset that they had no big stars to write about, Windass retorted,
"Look pal, it might come as a surprise to you lot but most of the country can't bloody stand half the England players that were out her but you're too up their arses to know!"
A round of applause rippled around the room at this outburst and the press conference was brought to a close.
With the kick-off only hours away there has been little time for training but McClaren confirmed they will be playing an attacking 4-3-3 formation and going for the win they need to progress to the quarter finals.
England team to face Sweden: David James; Gary Neville, Joleon Lescott, David Wheater, Leighton Baines; Owen Hargreaves, Jimmy Bullard (captain), Garry Barry; Dean Windass, James Beattie, Ishmael Miller.
Subs: Phil Jagielka, Michael Johnson, Freddie Sears, Mark Noble, Stuart Pearce.
EURO 2008 BETTING
Where will the missing England 18 be found?
In a brothel 4-6 fav
In a cellar 2-1
In Girls Aloud 11-4
In Roman's spaceship 5-1
In the Big Brother house 12-1
Having well-earned rest in Peru 16-1
ENGLAND'S MISSING HEROES: MESSAGES OF CELEBRITY SUPPORT
Figures from all walks of British life - from reality TV stars to soap actors to pop singers - want to show their support for England's tragic football squad.
"I'd fire the lot of 'em," snarled Siralansugar. "When I was getting up at 1am to sell dog's mess from the back of a van, I never went missing in Austria for 72 hours. So why should they?"
"When you're out on an Army mission, with all guns and big men and stuff, there are no prizes for finishing last, or for your entire unit running away and hiding," said TV hardman Ross Kemp. "Rattta-tatttta-tatta-boom! Boom!"
"Bring our boys back home," demanded sexy Danielle Lloyd. "They could be catching all sorts of diseases off them foreigners."
"It's been an incredible journey," added someone from X Factor.
CITIZEN NEVILLE SPEAKS
I've have been offered the captaincy, although I will not accept the title of Captain, or Fascist Running Dog as I also call it. The idea of a 'Captain' is exactly the sort of so-called carrot the bourgeoisie have dangled in front of the working class to divide and rule us for generations. Instead I will be known as Older Brother Player. I like the armband though, a good socialist bit of clothing, almost as good as my beret. To the barricades!
STEVE McCLAREN'S DIARY
I'm pleased with the new squad, a big improvement on the last shower-of-sh**e.
Something really weird happened at the training ground, they all took notice of what I was saying! That never happens! Unfortunately, they didn't look too good because, as Trevor pointed out when he came down to the training session, I don't really know what I'm doing. I've realised that now.
Trevor was nice about it, patting me on the back and saying,
"Weeeellll, don't worry chief, ha ha...we'll just get someone to help you who does...on the QT of course."
And then he handed me a small earpiece.
"Put that in your ear sunshine," he said. So I did.
"Hello Steve, it is good to be able to work with you once more. Yes. It is good."
It was Sven. He was 200 yards away up a tree. I cried and ran towards him shouting 'Daddy, my daddy!'
I am aspiring to be just OK!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Senior Member |
|
| 11419 Posts |
| Tagalogged |
|
|
|
|
| |
| |
