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Aviation truisms.
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| posted by Mr Benn 1069 days ago |
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH 5HIT!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same c**kpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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| posted by adfundum 1069 days ago |
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Taking-off is optional, landing is mandatory...
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Even sick puppies need love...
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| posted by Waterslang 1069 days ago |
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Even if it's optional [T/Off], it's the most dangerous part of the flight.
Think about that.
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| posted by Waterslang 1069 days ago (edited 1069 days ago) |
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"The most useless part of the runway if the part behind you".
Me, not Confucius.
Quote: "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)" Unquote.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> :
Now that one really makes sense!
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| posted by xpat-Aussie 1068 days ago |
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in c**kpit.
S: Something tightened in c**kpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in c**kpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
P: c**kpit not fit for pigs.
S: c**kpit cleaned - now fit for pigs.
"...and once you have tasted flight,
you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward,
for there you have been and there you long to return...."
-Leonardo DaVinci
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| posted by Mr Benn 1068 days ago |
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........LOL.....[:D]
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| posted by geraldo 1068 days ago |
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
There are 10 kinds of people. Those who can read binary and those who don't
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| posted by xpat-Aussie 1066 days ago |
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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************************ ****************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
************************************************************ ****************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm XXX bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was XXX bored, not XXX stupid!"
************************************************************ ****************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************************ **************************************** **
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************************ **************************************** **
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
************************************************************ **************************************** ***
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************************ **************************************** *
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
************************************************************ **************************************** ****
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
************************************************************ **************************************** ***
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************************************************************ **************************************** **
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every c**kpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
"...and once you have tasted flight,
you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward,
for there you have been and there you long to return...."
-Leonardo DaVinci
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| posted by jaykay 1066 days ago |
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xpat-Aussie - they were just priceless mate, I liked them!!!!!
Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out and meet the bloody thing!
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| The Maintenance Man |
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| posted by Waterslang 1066 days ago |
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PILOT : ....Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
TOWER : Roger.You are a fuel truck.
CONTROLLER : Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !!
PILOT : I'm not silly...!!
PILOT: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
TOWER: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
PILOT: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
* I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
* Me? I've never busted minimums.
* We will be on time, maybe even early.
* Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
* I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
* I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
* All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
* I'm a member of the mile high club.
* I only need glasses for reading.
* I broke out right at minimums.
* The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
* Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
* If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
* I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
* We shipped the part yesterday.
* I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
* All you have to do is follow the book.
* This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
* We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
* Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
* I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
* No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
* Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
* We'll be home by lunchtime.
* Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
* I'm always glad to see the FAA.
* We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
* It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
* I thought YOU took care of that.
* I've got the field in sight.
* I've got the traffic in sight.
* Of course I know where we are.
* I'm SURE the gear was down.
CONTROLLER : Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two houres ago?
PILOT : Negativ, Sir.It's only the same pilot.
TOWER : Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway.
PILOT : Roger, we'll check the car on the runway.
CONTROLLER : Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?
PILOT : Affirm, but we don't receive it!
Gibraltar TOWER : OO-TWA, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.
PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!
TOWER: Paris tower to all aircraft, QNH is now 1017.
PILOT: How come? Did everybody open their windows?
TOWER: Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off... and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further instructions on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT: Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.
PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.
PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!
CONTROLLER : Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT: Wilco.341, 342, 343, 344, 345....
TOWER : Say altitude.
PILOT : altitude.
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Say cancel IFR!
Air Force One crashes.
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
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| posted by adfundum 1066 days ago |
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Tower ( To Piper Cub which had an interesting bouncy arrival) "Cub G-AB vacate left, clear to taxi to the tower parking...I suppose you'll want that charged as one landing..."
***
ATC Center to F-27: Say speed!
Roger, we are doing 270 knots and that is as fast as this Fokker will go.....
***
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of ot coffee in my lap.. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine
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Even sick puppies need love...
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| posted by adfundum 1066 days ago |
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Dandare flight in to Inverness - "This is DanAir nnn with you in 5 minutes for visual 26 to land" (or words to that effect) followed by -
"Ladies and Gentlemen that is the call I shall be making to Inverness when I press the right switch."
***
On the BMI shuttle from Ald to LHR:
<Captain> Ladies and Gentleman, I apologise for our late departure, this was due to the aircraft operating this service earlier going ti..., err, becoming unserviceable
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Even sick puppies need love...
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| posted by geraldo 1065 days ago |
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***********************
Tower: "November 2115L, are you a Cessna?"
2115L: "No, sir...I am a male Hispanic."
**************
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.
Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"
***************
It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...
Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"
Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
**********
During a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we have passed that now. The rest of the flight is expected to be smooth." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."
A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.
As she neared the c**kpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"
***********
After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced: "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!"
****************
The rich-and-famous don't always succeed in flaunting the rules, as the world-boxing champion learned on one flight. While the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.
The champ replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"
Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied: “Superman don't need no airplane, either!"
The boxer buckled up without another word.
******************
While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange "Remove before flight" streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: "Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23." No reply.
They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that "the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio."
The 130 pilot quickly replied, "Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?"
******************
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
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Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the c**kpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.
He lost the bet.
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When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Apparently a true story.
There are 10 kinds of people. Those who can read binary and those who don't
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| posted by Waterslang 1065 days ago |
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A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack." replied the Pizza delivery man.
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| posted by Waterslang 1065 days ago |
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A true story:
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?"
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